If you’re reading this and you’ve already voted – nice job!
If you’re reading this and you haven’t voted yet, go to the Start menu on your computer, select “Shut Down,” push your chair back from the desk, lean slightly forward, flex your quadriceps (you should now be standing), slowly rotate your torso towards the door, and proceed in an orderly fashion to your polling station!
Vote based on your exhaustive research into the record and policies of each candidate. Vote a straight party ticket. Vote based on a favorite single issue. Vote for the best-looking candidate. Vote for the worst-looking candidate. Vote for the candidate who will do the most good. Vote for the candidate who will do the least harm. Vote based on how your kids voted in their mock election at school. Vote for the candidate who will provide the best fodder for SNL skits.
What’s that? Don’t be silly – of course your vote counts!
VOTE!!!
